I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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