Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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