Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
