just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
