I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
