I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
