I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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