There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
