Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wish you could order shots online.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
