Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
