I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
