paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
