If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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