Well douche your snatch and let's go!
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
