I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
