Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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