Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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