peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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