I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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