I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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