I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
