he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
