I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize