My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
