the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
