I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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