Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
