It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
