It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
