Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
