He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i love accidental penises.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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