Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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