I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So squirting runs in the family.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
