I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
