I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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