my being single is dangerous.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
