Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
