We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
