I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
