She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
