Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Houston, we have a blender
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
