I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I party with great urgency now.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
