Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
