I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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