never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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