Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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