why didn't you poke me back
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
