You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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