i already hear my dad disowning me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
