You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
