I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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