I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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