my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
