so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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