You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
