if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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